Monday, January 18, 2010

Spot the D-Bag!!!

I went out to dinner in Downtown Salt Lake to a little pizza shop with a killer chicken sandwich. While staring out the window, I started to play a game I would always play in college while at the beach that we called "Spot the Douche-Bag." The rules are simple. Spot a likely candidate, come up with an imaginary reason why he/she is a D-bag, and see if you can get the most.

For example, I spotted a guy with a winter coat, bleach blond hair w/ a corporate hair cut, an Abercrombie and Fitch t-shirt, New "old" jeans from the GAP, flip-flops, a computer bag, and a bluetooth head set. I imagine that this guy is an unemployed screen writer. He has no talent, but hangs out at the local Starbucks pretending he does. He is writing his screenplay while sipping Italian coffee and also makes damn sure everyone knows he is writing a screenplay. He name drops celebrities that he has served coffee to during the Sundance Film Festival and drones on about character archetypes in boring French films and firmly believes that Mel Gibson should play the lead role in his action/comedy. After all that explanation, do you know how I know he is a D-Bag? He is wearing flip-flops in the middle of winter...

Another guy I saw was wearing a green vest/jacket thing, with a scruffy looking knit cap and a chin strap beard. A half inebriated look on his face and a smirk as if he knew something funny that nobody else knew. I imagine him as a 25 year old bag boy at the local supermarket who steals cartons of cigarettes from the receiving dock and sells them to local kids. He also hits on the "cougars" that frequent the store and tries to regale them with tales of other conquests and his knowledge of classic rock. When his job is done he rides his skateboard home to his mom's basement and smokes a bowl of the chronic while repeating rap lyrics in an attempt to gain some street "cred" with his fellow suburbanites. You know how I know he is a D-Bag? You guessed it... chin strap beard!!!

That is pretty much the rules of the game. There are at least two at your job right now. Find them and enjoy picturing their lives. If you feel bad, tell yourself you are not judging them. You are picturing them in the most likely situation they could be in with the outfit they wear. Just like a police officers uniform denotes a policeman, so does a D-bag outfit.

Thanks for the obscure and random Vent Session...