Monday, October 11, 2010

Bring it on rain, wind, cold, snow....sob...

So I guess the summer is finally gone and fall, or autumn whichever your mom told you was right, is upon us. I had a good summer. Lots of laughs, first time in court, first auto accident, and first vacation with my girlfriend... followed by numbers two, three, four, and five. I'll stop there before I start to sound like an episode of Sesame Street. I would like to take this time to bid farewell to summer by starting a new job at Hill AFB... in the freezing rain...sob.

I've been on the job for about a week and already the base is on High Alert( I don't know if that's secret or not... don't tell anyone please.), we've had a nuclear drill, chemical drill, air raid drills, thunderstorms, tornado warnings, and work called off because of the possibility of being struck by lightning. I was told under no circumstances to go near the jets because I might get sucked into them, and if I pass a certain fence, I will be treated like a terrorist and shot in the face... maybe. Actually the safety guy was unsure if I would get shot or tackled by three guys. He actually gave me a second look and said "maybe six in your case..." but regardless of how many guys, we wouldn't be able to leave the base for many hours. But on the plus side, there's a Popeye's Chicken on base...Yummmm. You know you're jealous. Kinda makes the possibility of being sent to GITMO worth it. So with a hearty "Fair-thee-well" to the carefree days of summer. I turn with a slight glistening in my eye to face the coming Fall and eventually Winter. I plant my feet in the sand and roar a defiant "BRING IT ON!!!" to the icy grip of the elements ahead of me...This blog was brought to you by the letter Q

Thanks for the Vent Session...

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Strangest city in Utah...

I can imagine that Ogden would want to use this post in their tourist pamphlets:

Welcome to Ogden.
While walking down the street I came across this little sign which is posted on a major street.

I'm not really sure how to take this... what exactly is in Ogden that is so valuable that they are prepared for an eminent nuclear attack? Maybe these beauties?

Rare specimens indeed. Ogden has a "beautiful" city hall where, within ten steps, you can get a marriage license and visit your abusive soon-to-be spouse without the pesky inconvenience of guards.

but the best parts are the businesses here in this wonderful city where you can get your car detailed and be entertained by child neglect while you wait.

This poor kid was alone screaming his head off in the detailers office... but hey they did a great job on my girlfriends car...Shiny. So the next time you're in northern Utah, please visit Ogden... I know hardened ex cons that would be afraid to walk these streets at night. Enjoy!

Thanks for the Vent Session...

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Attacked and sad...

Please note that my views are my own and do not reflect the views of any other individuals or organization... thanks and much love

I just finished watching a movie about proposition 8 in California and the role the Mormon Church had in passing that proposition. First off, I am a Mormon. That being said, I believe that any man or woman have the right to live their lives as they wish. I am not gay, but I don't condemn homosexuals because it's not my place to judge anybody. I have gay friends and relatives, who I love dearly. But this movie made me feel like I was under attack for my beliefs.

I was raised to believe that the relationship a person has with God was his own concern. The Church leadership did ask people to support the proposition because the Mormon view of marriage is that it is a sacred bond between Man, Woman, and God. I support that. I'm not exactly sure if the Gay community ever involve God into their marriage vows because none of my gay friends seem to want to get married...(maybe because most of them are men and, as any woman will tell you, men have commitment issues.)

I personally feel that the whole gay marriage issue is more of a "right to do something" thing than a "we're gonna screw with God and all religion" thing. Maybe some people feel that way. But as far as I am concerned, God gave us each the right to choose and we will deal with it when we see him individually. I don't care if homosexuals marry... let them find their happiness while they have their time on earth, just like I would hope that they let me find mine.

The movie I was watching did portray Mormons as Blindly Obedient and Mindless. That is where I have issue with the film. I am no ones puppet and to be called one offends me greatly. Members of the Church, and other churches who supported Prop 8, did the most American thing possible and cast a ballot. The political process wasn't cheated, nobody was stopped from voting at their polling locations, the simple truth is that prop 8 was passed because more people voted for it than against it. To persecute Mormons for what they believe would be just as wrong as persecuting Homosexuals for what they believe.

I'm all for Gays and Lesbians having their freedoms. Just beat them at the polls next election.

Thanks for the vent session...

Thursday, June 17, 2010

The Squeeze...

Just got back from sunny California the other day. The weather was perfect, the beach was amazing and had some good food. It was a mini-vacation/performance trip. On this trip, with my girlfriend in tow, I was able to visit with my parents. Most of my friends and family just recently found out that we were an item, so we have been the center of a whole barrage of probing questions.

My father, being my father, is as subtle as a punch in the face. He sits us down and the first thing out of his mouth is "So... What's the hold up? When are you guys gonna get married?" Oh the awkwardness that was felt by all. Then he proceeds to give us an hour long lecture why we should get married. Followed by my mom. My poor girlfriend.

It didn't end there. We get home and I get the speech from my older brother. Meanwhile my girl gets it from her folks in Idaho. And finally... we go to babysit my nephew for a couple of hours. Having a good time waiting for my sister-in-law to come back from the dentist with my niece. She gets home and we are talking about the kids. I go to the bathroom and when I come back... you guessed it... my sister-in-law is giving the speech to my girl.

My sister-in-law and my brother dated for 10 years before they got married. I always thought they would be the last ones to lecture us about getting married so soon. It's not that I don't want to get married. I love my girlfriend, it's just I don't wanna hear about it from every single person who knows my name...

Thanks for the Vent Session...

Propositioned... Ewwww...

The other day I was leaving my girlfriends house downtown. I decided to stop over at the 7-11 to grab a drink. In front of the store I noticed a couple of people who appeared to be transients, a male and a female, but there are usually a few there so I didn't give it another thought. I buy my drink and head for the truck. I roll down my window and the female approaches me with a gapped toothed smile. Me being me, I start to fish out my wallet because I assume that she is gonna ask for a couple of bucks to help her out... silly me. We had a short conversation.

Female: "Hey, got a question for ya."
Me: "What's up?"
Female: "You a cop?"
Me: "Nah."
Female: "Lookin' for a girl tonight?"
Me: "... uh... Nah."

Off I drive wondering if that really happened. WHAT THE CRAP?

Thanks for the Vent Session...

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Dear Internet...

Dear Internet,

It's been a while since you and I spoke. I feel bad for not calling for a while, but I find it hard to believe that you've missed the likes of me. I wanted to say that I've missed the your pop up adds about cleaning supplies, and male enhancement supplements. But you have been a dirty, dirty, info highway. You have been with every guy who happens to come your way and who knows what bugs and viruses you have been spreading along the way. But I still love you and feel like we can work things out.

I will try to see you as often as I can. My friends think that I have neglected your advances and constant updates. Hopefully we can get to a place where we can enjoy coffee shops together, rant about outrageous topics like health care, the starving children of the world, global warming and if Batman can win in a one-on-one fight with Superman. If not, hopefully we can work out a visitation agreement with your offspring e-mail and facebook.

Look forward to Blogging again

Thanks for the Vent Session

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Random Fears...

Lately, fellow bloggers have been telling me to blog something. When I say "tell" I actually mean yelling at me (you know who you are). I usually write about things that happen to me, but nothing interesting has happened to me...well nothing that I am allowed to write about legally anyway (again you know who you are). So I thought I would flip on the ol' TV for some inspiration and caught a little bit of Dr. Phil or some other guy who was trying to help people with their problems. The shows subject was about irrational fears. That got the wheels-a-turnin' so I thought I would list a few of mine. Just to show everyone that I a human... kind of.

1) Spiders... give me the willies every time I see them

2) When I was in high school, my drivers education teacher told me a story once. He use to be a C.H.P. officer ( That's California Highway Patrol or Chippies to you non-Californians) and was at a hospital filling out a report, when in comes a guy to the emergency room with his finger in his nostril to the knuckle. He stared in amazement as this unfortunate man was wheeled past him. My teacher asked the paramedic what had happened. The paramedic replied, failing to keep a straight face and laughter out of his voice, that the man with his finger in his nose was picking his nose and failed to see the car stop in front of him. So now I am scared to death every time I feel an itch inside my nose while driving.

3) The Boogie Man

4) Door-to-door sales people. I hate being rude to them so I always hear them out. I guess I am more annoyed with them than fearful.

5) did I mention Spiders?

6) The dead eyes of porcelain dolls or even worse... Faceless porcelain dolls. My aunt had a faceless porcelain doll on her television set and I swear even though it didn't have eyes, it was staring at me.

7) Being thought of as a liar.

8) Drinking expired milk.

9) Carnival folk or "carnies"... Small hands. Smell like cabbage.

These are some of the irrational fears that I must deal with everyday. Fear is one of those weird emotions that can drive people to shut themselves inside their homes for 50 years. I was watching a cartoon with my niece called Astrix and The Vikings (great movie by the way). At the very end Astrix asks his village wise man Get-a-fix what use does fear have. Get-a-fix replies that fear is were courage comes from. For true courage is overcoming your fears. Never thought I would find a nugget of wisdom like that in a cartoon. By the way, if you are a Carney and are offended by my last item on the list. I am truly sorry about that. I thought it would be funny to include. If you have any complaints please contact:

Somebody who gives a crap or New Line Cinema for letting that one into Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery. New Line Cinema will most likely refer you back to that first guy.

Thanks for the Vent Session...

Monday, January 18, 2010

Spot the D-Bag!!!

I went out to dinner in Downtown Salt Lake to a little pizza shop with a killer chicken sandwich. While staring out the window, I started to play a game I would always play in college while at the beach that we called "Spot the Douche-Bag." The rules are simple. Spot a likely candidate, come up with an imaginary reason why he/she is a D-bag, and see if you can get the most.

For example, I spotted a guy with a winter coat, bleach blond hair w/ a corporate hair cut, an Abercrombie and Fitch t-shirt, New "old" jeans from the GAP, flip-flops, a computer bag, and a bluetooth head set. I imagine that this guy is an unemployed screen writer. He has no talent, but hangs out at the local Starbucks pretending he does. He is writing his screenplay while sipping Italian coffee and also makes damn sure everyone knows he is writing a screenplay. He name drops celebrities that he has served coffee to during the Sundance Film Festival and drones on about character archetypes in boring French films and firmly believes that Mel Gibson should play the lead role in his action/comedy. After all that explanation, do you know how I know he is a D-Bag? He is wearing flip-flops in the middle of winter...

Another guy I saw was wearing a green vest/jacket thing, with a scruffy looking knit cap and a chin strap beard. A half inebriated look on his face and a smirk as if he knew something funny that nobody else knew. I imagine him as a 25 year old bag boy at the local supermarket who steals cartons of cigarettes from the receiving dock and sells them to local kids. He also hits on the "cougars" that frequent the store and tries to regale them with tales of other conquests and his knowledge of classic rock. When his job is done he rides his skateboard home to his mom's basement and smokes a bowl of the chronic while repeating rap lyrics in an attempt to gain some street "cred" with his fellow suburbanites. You know how I know he is a D-Bag? You guessed it... chin strap beard!!!

That is pretty much the rules of the game. There are at least two at your job right now. Find them and enjoy picturing their lives. If you feel bad, tell yourself you are not judging them. You are picturing them in the most likely situation they could be in with the outfit they wear. Just like a police officers uniform denotes a policeman, so does a D-bag outfit.

Thanks for the obscure and random Vent Session...